#pitchslam The Illumination Query critique party


The Illumination Query by Sarah Baethge

35 word pitch:

After Ronald Carpenter is unwittingly pulled into an company that’s experimenting on paranormal creatures, Dr. Hunter (one mad scientist) tells the tale of how he, like his reluctant werewolf companions, was really just another victim.


4 thoughts on “#pitchslam The Illumination Query critique party

  1. I found it a little confusing – not sure which one is the protagonist is and what he actually does. What are the stakes? The plot reads as: a guy gets a new job and his boss says he’s a victim.


  2. I think if I were you I wouldn’t worry about telling both pieces of the story. This is meant to give an overview of character and make them want to read. I think trying to fit both parts in is weakening that hook.


  3. I thought I replied to this but I don’t see it. Will try again. Who is the MC? What are the stakes? There’s details that reveal the quirkiness of your tale (such as reluctant werewolves), but they take up space and don’t allow you to express the central conflict of the story. A pitch should have MC stakes. What challenge does the MC face? What happens if he does? What happens if he doesn’t? I agree to not provide the switching in protag bit. Your 35 word pitch doesn’t have room and you want to entice the reader to want to learn more. Stakes!


  4. I agree, I’m afraid. I’m confused as to who is the MC. If it’s Ronald, then maybe a timeline? Ronald got a new job, great! But realizes that it might not be as great as he thought. The company is experimenting on paranormal creatures. And his boss was one of the first victims.

    Again, this might not be the story. But it might provide a framework. 🙂


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