#PitchSlam revised

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I would love critique before I hit send!

Centerra: Awake

YA sci-fi/fantasy

64,000 words

Letters from the Sky by Civil Twilight

35 word pitch: Cancer patient Bixby awakens on Centerra, where giants hunt children for magic. If he fails to deliver his friend Asra, the giants will execute everyone, including the girl he loves.

First 250:

Bixby stares at the world through a fish tank while his body clenches in pain and delirium hazes his senses. An elevator crack shakes the bed. Nausea floods his throat as doctors press his abdomen.

“What’s your pain score?”

Bixby manages a responsive groan. At eighteen, he refuses to forfeit his battle against cancer.

A chill runs through his right forearm. He blinks, watching white bubbles form beneath the skin. He moans, realizing it blew again. A nurse digs a needle in his left wrist, seeking, but not finding, a good vein. Bixby sinks deeper into the aquarium, pain clogging his ears and eyes. His mother kisses his cheek, rubbing her hand on his bare head, tears spilling over his face. The deep sucks him under, evaporating Bixby’s will. He allows the darkness to escort him to freedom.

*

Bixby’s eyes fluttered open, his brain struggling through the fog of deep sea dreaming. A forest of maroon oaks swathed in purple mist blurred into view. The scent of fresh soil filled his nose. Something tapped his forehead. His clearing vision revealed a small creature with spiky, black hair, torn, dark clothes, and velvet moth wings hovering before his nose. Her fingers poked at his skull.

“Wake up! Giants aren’t far!”

Alarmed, he sat up. A girl with pale skin, slanted eyes, slender nose, and pink lips lay a few feet from him. A jolt rocketed his system as he realized she was naked.

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2 thoughts on “#PitchSlam revised

  1. Bixby stares at the world through a fish tank while his body clenches in pain and delirium hazes his senses. The bed shakes as it passes over an elevator crack. Nausea floods his throat when the doctors press his abdomen.They ask for his pain level. [insert comment here] He manages a responsive groan. At eighteen, he refuses to forfeit his battle against cancer.

    A chill runs through his right forearm. He blinks, watching white bubbles form beneath the skin. He moans, realizing it blew again. A nurse digs a needle in his left wrist, seeking, but not finding, a good vein. Bixby sinks deeper into the aquarium, pain clogging his ears and eyes. His mother kisses his cheek, rubbing her hand on his bare head, tears spilling over his face. The deep sucks him under, and Bixby’s will evaporates. He allows the darkness to escort him to freedom.

    Bixby’s eyes fluttered open, his brain struggling through the fog of deep sea dreaming. A forest of maroon oaks swathed in purple mist blurred into view. The scent of fresh soil filled his nose. Something tapped his forehead. His clearing vision revealed a small creature with spiky, black hair, torn, dark clothes, and velvet moth wings hovering before his nose. Her fingers poked at his skull.

    “Wake up! Giants aren’t far!”

    Faintly alarmed, he sat up. [Faintly alarmed? If he’s from our world, he should be confused/disbelieving or freaking out–plus no adverbs are better] A girl with pale skin, slanted eyes, a slender nose, and pink lips lay a few feet from him. A jolt rocketed through his body. She was naked. [not a fan of ending it on a ‘was’,] He’s an 18 year old kid. This is another spot where you can show some voice {Holy crap, she’s naked.}

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  2. I’m pretty impressed with this pitch already – I think it’s interesting that you start with the cancer idea by make the pitch clearly not about illness. I don’t think I could really improve your first sentence
    However, I think the stakes could be tightened by rearranging the 2nd sentence, plus I don’t think ‘left behind’ adds much sense. Maybe “He can save his friends by , but if he fails, the giants will execute them all, including the girl he loves/his love.

    Hope my thoughts are useful! 🙂

    Like

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